#98 Part 4: Shame,Silence, and Survival
Have you ever realized you’re living by a vow you don’t remember making?
In Episode 98 of Shame Out Loud, Lori Clarke, co-host Tammy Valicenti, and roundtable guest Carina Gosch welcome Dr. Lara Barbir into the circle opening a powerful conversation about what happens after the split, after the silence, after the moment you start surviving instead of living.
Together, they explore the “inner forest” as a living ecosystem: places that are bright and open, places that are dense and untouched, and the protective patterns that once kept us going. They talk about shame as something that collapses us inward, self-betrayal as something we can gently unlearn, and the slow work of coming home, again and again. Without forcing the timeline.
You’ll also hear about the vows we make in the dark, I won’t feel this, I won’t need anyone, I’ll stay small to stay safe, and what it looks like to rewrite them into something truer: self-trust, agency, dignity, and a new way of belonging.
If you’ve been carrying a story that was never yours to hold, consider this your reminder: the forest may be where you adapted… but it can also be where you return.
(Gentle note: This episode includes discussion of trauma, Sexual Assault, shame, emotional neglect, and difficult family dynamics. Please listen with care and support as needed.)
Show Notes
Ep 98 Part 4: Shame, Silence, and Survival
Brief Episode Summary
What vows did you make just to survive—and are you still living by them?
In this roundtable, Lori Clarke, co-host Tammy Valicenti, and guests Dr. Lara Barbir, and Carina Gosch explore the “forest” as an inner landscape: a living ecosystem shaped by shame, family patterns, silence, and survival. They unpack how protective parts form, why self-abandonment can be an attempt to feel better, and how returning to yourself, again and again becomes the real path home. The conversation centers on reclaiming dignity, rebuilding agency, and rewriting the vows we made in the dark into something truer: self-trust, compassion, and choice.
Key Topics Covered
The “forest” as an inner ecosystem: bright clearings, dense untouched places, and why all of it matters
Shame as a felt experience: collapsing, hiding, minimizing, self-doubt
How survival strategies become “parts” (and why they aren’t proof you’re broken)
“Self-abandonment” reframed as a search for relief, connection, and safety
Unconscious vows we make to survive (and how to rewrite them)
Returning to yourself without force: baby steps, titration, and no “finish line”
Forgiveness reframed: releasing expectations, reclaiming dignity, and self-forgiveness
Belonging and worthiness as internal reconnection—not external performance
Finding supportive guides and modalities; healing as lifestyle, not a checkbox
Important Quotes & Takeaways
“Adversity builds capacity.” (reframing the forest as growth as well as pain)
“In all things, lead with love.” (an intention that allows stumbling + returning)
“We’re never done.” (healing isn’t completion—it’s continued returning)
“Acceptance isn’t of what happened—it’s of your inner world.”
“You can only heal it if you can feel it.” (repression strengthens what’s underneath)
Forgiveness can mean: letting go of the expectation that someone would be better than they were—without excusing harm.
Self-abandonment isn’t always neglect—it can be a relentless attempt to feel better.
One of the most powerful moves: noticing the shame response and meeting it with compassion instead of argument.
Resources Mentioned
EMDR (therapy modality discussed and referenced)
Mindfulness and self-compassion practices
Journaling / reflective writing as a way to “unbury” what’s been carried
Parts work / inner child work (language and approach referenced)
Guest Information
Host: Lori Clarke
Co-host: Tammy Valicenti (psychotherapist; trained social worker; integrative approach blending modalities)
Roundtable Guests:
Dr. Lara Barbir (clinical psychologist, Southern California/Orange County; speaks to trauma recovery, post-traumatic growth, and the “ecosystem” metaphor)
Carina Gosch
Time Stamps (Major Topics)
00:00 – 08:08 — Series context + bringing the next guest into the circle
08:08 – 11:15 — Lara Barbir intro + mirror/dream resonance + “forest as diverse landscape”
11:15 – 14:30 — Forest as ecosystem; post-traumatic growth; meaning-making
14:30 – 18:55 — Teen depression diagnosis; emotional silence; coping patterns; being unseen
18:55 – 21:15 — “How did you find yourself?” early survival strategies; safety-seeking
21:15 – 30:45 — Lori, Tammy, Lara and Carina define their forests (emotional neglect, chaos, survival roles, returning to center)
30:45 – 38:10 — “Secrets we keep from ourselves”; repression lifting over time; somatic healing and remembrance
38:10 – 49:55 — Shame: how it shows up in body + behavior; unconditional love as catalyst; “we’re never done”
49:55 – 56:30 — The vows we make in the forest; rewriting vows; “in all things lead with love”
56:30 – 1:05:40 — Forgiveness reframed (self-forgiveness, dignity, not excusing harm)
1:05:40 – 1:16:30 — Returning to yourself; agency; acceptance of inner world; “I love you / you’re not alone” closing takeaways
1:16:30 – 1:25:00 — Off-mic wrap + “ancestors / possibilities are endless” closing energy
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